St. Patrick’s Horoscopes

Taurus (April 20-May 20) – You will find an unsuspected amount of $$$$$ while walking through life. This opportunity will not come again, so use your newfound wealth carefully. Don’t waste it on anything that doesn’t benefit you.

Gemini (May 21- Jun 20) – Wear green everyday during this month. This will bring you very much luck and happiness. If you do not wear green, you will have a life full of unluckiness.

Cancer (Jun 22- July 22) – Go on a search for the end of the rainbow. You shall find a small, green, hairy friend that will lead you along the way. If you don’t find anything, go to your local WalMart; you’ll be sure to find something there!

Leo (July 23- Aug 22) – Irish traditions will begin to be a big influence in your life. You will listen to as many Irish Folk Songs and Jigs as you can in preparation for the national holiday.

Virgo (Aug 23- Sep 22) – You will have the urge to research your ancestors. You will learn that they had many traditions you were not aware of. You will start trying these traditions beginning with cooking corned beef and fatback bacon.

Libra (Sep- Oct 22) – You will suddenly change into a greedy leprechaun. You will start to obsess over the color green and begin to be a small, grumpy munchkin.

Scorpio (Oct 23- Nov 21) – You will have the uncontrollable craving to pinch anything that is not green. You will start pinching news stands and walls to satisfy your compulsions. This addiction will continue for the whole month.

Sagittarius (Nov 22- Dec 21) – Go on a quest to find the only four leaf clover left on the earth. You may start to feel lost and bored, but you must keep going. The last clover is the key to saving the world. More instructions will come as you get closer to finding it.  

Capricorn (Dec 22- Jan 19) – You’ve come to the conclusion that you’ve been a humbug for too long. You decide to go all out for St. Patrick’s Day this year. You’ll decorate your house with mini cardboard leprechauns and four leaf clover’s. You will make your family wear green and other festive attire for the entire month.

Aquarius (Jan 20- Feb 18) – You are the small, green, hairy friend that Cancer finds during his search. You must help in any way possible, even if it means shaving all of your red hair off.

Pisces (Feb 19- March 20) – Your time has come, the month of green. On St. Patricks day everything you wear will be green. If somebody doesn’t wear green, they are going to get an earful from you.

Aries (Mar 21- April 19) – You’ve decided that St. Patricks day just isn’t for you this year. In response to this feeling, you may have decided that you will not wear green, or participate in any of the “silly” traditions. This is not the wisest decision with Pisces being a St. Patricks day fanatic. Good Luck.